Akatsuki it's like Mensa for crazy people
by Reanult
Summary: Hm. Crack ahh it's in my eyes! Naruto rambling, and Itachi and Kisame on Cribs. Yes I said CRIBS.


Akatsuki it's like Mensa for crazy people.

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto.

Warning: Herm...there be light hints ofshonen ai in this...

_Italics are the t.v._

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Naruto was late for training, he didn't care. It was Saturday and in all likelihood Kakashi-sensei wasn't even going to show up. It was shopping day after all. Iruka-sensei had decided it was high time that he started helping with the groceries, clothing, weapons maintenance.

Two weeks ago, he'd even spotted Kakashi with a bucket of paint sprucing up the white fence around their house. Seirei happily talking to thin air beside him. Weird kid that one. He remembered the first time he saw the brat. All of two years old, bright eyed and noisy. Looking and acting waaay to much like Iruka-sensei.

Naruto had questioned Iruka-sensei thoroughly about the little girl. He'd insisted that Seirei was indeed Kakashi's child--he was pissed off about the fact that Kakashi had not bothered to tell him that he fathered a heir, nor was he happy when a withered old woman had shown up on the doorstep of their house, and plopped the little girl into Kakashi's arms with no explanation.

She'd immediately started to cry--if it was because of the look on Kakashi's face. (a lot like someone who'd just been told the steak they were enjoying was actually their mother's right thigh.) Or Naruto's uncontrolled laughter in the background. Either way she stopped when Iruka showed up and took her. His eyes promised hell...

Man to be a fly on THAT wall that evening. Since then, Iruka had taken to Seirei like a house on fire. Come on how could he not she looked just like him, thus the confusion for anyone who happened to know Kakashi-sensei and Iruka-sensei were together.

Kurenai-sensei had suggested that Kakashi get a paternity test. He'd just shrugged and said she took after her mother--and there had been reasons he'd chosen the woman in the first place. What he hadn't planned on was having Seirei come and live with them. But the thing about hidden villages and plans...Seirei was one lucky kid; she'd gone from one loving home to another.

You could see it when you looked at her, that she was used to being loved, and wanted. The way she knew without being told that she was welcome on any lap she deemed worthy. The way she nicknamed everyone was also a good indication. Sasuke had finally stopped fighting _cockatoo-neechan_ and just started correcting the neechan to _niichan_.

Who knew he was an optimist. Panda-niichan on the other hand seemed to like it. Anyone who wasn't Seirei that used it however was digging sand out of very uncomfortable places for weeks.

Naruto had learned that one the hard way.

"Dobe."

"GAAH!" And that's how Naruto ended up with a noseful of Lucky Charms..."What the hell are you doing in my house!" He recovered quickly however.

"Your window was unlocked. Sakura sighed, and plopped down on his couch. 'Naruto's' had become 'Club 7'. At some point in time, meaning that everyone came to his house to hang out after practice, before practice, on their days off...when Kakashi was late. Maybe it was because he lived alone and there was no bad memories attached to the place. (i.e. Clan slaughter.) Or it could be the fact that he won the Konoha lottery and now had the most laid apartment in town. The first thing that had happened when he'd won was Sakura had taken over his finances...okay the first thing that had happened was he'd run out the door screaming _"I'm rich bitches!"_ and hugging anyone that didn't get out of the way fast enough.

Sasuke had been one of the unlucky ones. THEN Sakura had taken over his finances. A few smart investments and bonds, CD's and other money crap that he didn't understand. Sakura was a good medi-nin but she was a cutthroat businesswoman. The result Naruto never had to work again—naturally he would. How else was he going to become Hokage sheesh? Or maybe it was the free (underage) booze. At the age of seventeen, not everyone could get their hands on free booze. Especially Sasuke-teme to look at the jerk off you wouldn't be able to tell really but that was a budding alcoholic…Sasuke could put some liquor to bed. Rum seemed to be his drink of choice at this time. Jolly Roger Caribbean Rum to be exact. Unless he was having a mixed drink…Take _attempted suicide_ for example. Naruto may not have known much about drinking but he did know that drinking anything named attempted suicide and contained a large amount of VODKA and COCONUT RUM was a bad idea. Sasuke drank them like they were water…WATER.

Sakura had suggested they form an intervention for Sasuke. Naruto did not want to be there for that one.

"Where are the pretzels?" Sasuke asked from the kitchen.

"At the store you freeloader!" Naruto yelled back, heading to the bathroom.

Sasuke threw an empty Pringles can at the back of his head.

Sakura had settled on his couch. The orange monstrosity, she called it. Personally he thought the orange leather was both rare and tasteful. Her mouth was hanging open as she stared blankly at the wide screen. She told him that a wall size plasma tv was a waste of money. Hmph. She spent more time in front of it then he did, especially since he'd gotten something called digital cable. He glanced at the screen quickly out of the corner of his eye ready to make a hasty retreat if it was another one those HGTV design shows she was obsessed with. (cough me.) Really what the hell was so interesting about hardwood floors, and contemporary countertops? It all looked the same to him.

Unfortunately this was not one of those….she was watching Cribs and ohmyGOD! "SASUKE!"

Sasuke jogged out of the kitchen a bag of cheetos in hand. Naruto frowned, he was a fuckin' blood hound, he'd hidden that bag in the furtherest reaches of his cupboard and slapped an illusion on it to look like a box of cup ramen. "What is it—what the hell!"

Sakura turned to look at him then and winced. Meanwhile the show continued.

"_Hello I am Uchiha Itachi, and this is my live in lo—partner-"_

"_What!" _

"_Kisame Hoshigaki" he finished with a blank look at his 'live in partner'._

"_Not in a gay way!" Kisame put in quickly waving at the camera. _

_Itachi (looked like he was thinking about) arched an eyebrow. "And this is our crib." He continued and gestured towards a large round building carved out of a gray boulder—actually it looked like a cave that had the sides and front rounded off into an urn. The whole round effect looked a lot like a fat angry toddler rolling in dirt. _

Sasuke choked on a cheeto, Naruto thumped him on the back—hard.

"_This is our entry way." He said gesturing towards a door glowing with seals of some kind. "This is a nice piece of seal work that Hoshigaki-chan created."_

"_Enough with gay jokes Uchiha it's not funny!"_

_Itachi blinked at him then gestured to the door again. "Shinto no hari entori." He mumbled, the cameraman jogged ahead. "You-"_

_Then there suddenly was a view of the ceiling, it was various lengths of blood red razor sharp glass pointed downward—oh crap that was going to leave a mark. _

_The second camera quickly looked away from the impaled man on the floor. _

"_As I was saying…" He made a few quick seals with his hands. "Hoshigaki-chan or I need to release the seal in order to enter the residence safely. Otherwise it triggers the trap… first strike the intruder immobile with a quick jolt to the nervous system them impale them poison smeared glass. It has an agent in it that behaves like adrenaline. So he's in no real pain. He'll be dead in 10 minutes. Come on lets look at the rest of the house." _

_Itachi and Kisame stepped over the twitching (DYING!) cameraman. _

_The screen went black, for a moment when it returned Itachi had changed into a pair of jeans and a loose fit button up shirt—he also seemed to be sporting a spray on tan…_

_Kisame was drinking from a bottle behind their bar. Itachi glanced at him then picked up his wine glass by the stem. "This is our entertainment room. Where all the fun stuff happens"_

Naruto tried to wrap his brain around Itachi and fun at the same time and was failing miserably.

_Kisame snorted around the bottle, "When we invite our friends over—"_

_Kisame choked and sputtered,"We do not have friends! We are not together!"_

_Itachi drew an annoyed breath through his nose, "When people that we both know in a non-gay way come over for activities that we all happen to enjoy that are also not gay this is where we gather for our non-gay fun time." He finished with a glare at Kisame. "We really need to up our couple's therapy with Doctor Umino."_

"_WE ARE NOT A COUPLE!" _

"_Anyway. This is our bar, over there is our gym equipment, and entertainment system. Nakamichi Soundspace 21 Home theater system with a bunch of other crap that I can't remember but Kisame wanted it and I wanted a rock garden with a bubbling pool of human blood and coffee bar. Speaking of which right over here is our private torture and interrogation room." Itachi walked over to a door half hidden by a red drape. He formed a few seals with the wine glass still in his hand. "I am rather proud of this room, I designed it myself."_

_There was a wide shot of room devoid of any and all color. White tile walls and floors, and about 15 feet above a single light fixture took up the entire ceiling. A drain was positioned beneath the single steel chair in the middle of the room. On closer inspection, there wasn't a seat on the chair, just a silver band of metal across the middle with and wide round piece of copper about 4 inches across and 7 inches long. There was a suspicious rust colored stain around the drain. "Don't worry about the smell. I guess the maid didn't have enough time to get everything cleaned up to my liking. "Remind me to skin her later _Hoshigaki-chan."

_Kisame coughed, then glanced at the camera quickly. _

_Itachi turned his attention back to the camera, "Oh. By skin her I meant…fire. Not like cover in cooking oil then set her on fire—fire, but end her-employment-with-us-fire…" Itachi trailed off, "Okay anyway that's a good idea, lets have a look at our outdoor bath." _

_Itachi headed back out of the room. A moment later two masked men were seem dragging a screaming woman in a maid outfit into the T&I room._

_Itachi watched impassively. "She's noisy. But sure to cut her vocal cords."_

_Hoshigaki cleared his throat again. _

"_Oh. I-mean-um…I'm not good at the lying thing. Cut her damn cords. Anyway the bath is this way." Itachi tilted his head towards an open door to their left…surprisingly it lead to a perfectly normal looking outdoor bath. That Deidara, Tobi, Hidan and Kakuzu were all lounging in. "These are our friends." _

"_NOT IN A GAY WAY!" _

_Itachi glared at him, "It is very hurtful to me every time you deny our relationship Hoshigaki. I thought we had a breakthrough in therapy last week."_

"_Can we not talk about this on national tv?" _

_Itachi's face returned to an impassive mask, "Whatever. Anyway over here is our rock garden and pool of human blood." Itachi walked over a small bridge towards yet another screen. To a cheerfully bubbling spring of –wow that really was blood…or at least that's what it sounded like the cameraman said over the prayers he began repeating…_

"_Talk about some expensive to maintain shit! If you don't keep that thing at the right temperature it starts to smell, and clot. Not pretty."_

"_You never approve of anything that makes me happy." Itachi said…in perfect monotone. _

_Kisame shrugged and took a pull from the bottle in his hand._

"_Let's go see the kitchen." Itachi didn't miss a beat despite the keening of the cameraman. _

_Something about tell his wife he loved her…and then the screen went black. _

_When it came back up, Itachi had changed his clothes again, same outfit only black, with a complimenting glass of blackberry wine in hand—he was barefoot as well._

"_Hoshigaki and I both like to cook." _

"SINCE WHEN?" Sasuke this time.

"Calm down Sasuke." Naruto grumbled.

"_I have a sweet tooth and enjoy creating new kinds of sweets. Such as my newest creation. Dessert ramen."_

"YOU MONSTER!"

"Calm down Naruto." Sasuke mimicked.

"_My personal recipe calls for a chocolate fondue or thick chocolate pudding with fresh made ramen noodles fried of course and garnished with gummy bears or jellybeans, and sugar coated fruit. Hoshigaki won't eat it."_

"_Damn right."_

_Itachi glanced at him again, "You know it hurts me when you won't eat my cooking." _

"_Damn it, not this again." _

_Itachi huffed, actually huffed! Then turned back to the camera. "That's all I'm showing you today. Get out." _

_And the camera man did not need to be told twice…_

Sakura clicked off the t.v. and there was silence for a while…finally Sasuke spoke.

"Attempted suicides for everyone."

All thoughts of an intervention were forgotten, as Sasuke returned with bottles of rum.

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A/N: Attempted suicides are a drink that contains vodka, rum, schnapps, fruit juice, cantalupe, banana, and strawberries. Jolly Roger is real rum.

Was Itachi OOC? oh hell yeah.

Review? Hate? Love? Like? Disturbed by?

This is my brain's attempt at coping with seeing a man hit by a truck this morning. I am still more than a bit freaked out. If you live in houston, it might be on the news I don't know nor will I look for it.


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